I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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