If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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