So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
false alarm, still single
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