i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
