i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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