please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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