I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
