The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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