Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
