Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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