You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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