White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
