just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
