My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
