half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
