ugly people sure do ruin things
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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