omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize