Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.