the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.