clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink