A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
