i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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