i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
