I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
