mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I intend to get homeless drunk
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
