i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
