there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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