Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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