Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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