God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
