I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
