At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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