i wish my penis had a tongue
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You're breaking my sexual little heart
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
