Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
