she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
