ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
