Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
