I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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