when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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