When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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