Where is the hickey?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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