Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
