Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
