So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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