I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
