Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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