I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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