yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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