Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
