then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Fuck appropriateness.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
3pm strippers are depressing
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
