I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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