im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
