i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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