He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
