My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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