Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
