while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
