I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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