Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
