I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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