There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
