I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
