So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
