the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we're so committed to being not committed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
