We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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