dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
did i walk over a car last night?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
